I had big plans for turkey day.
It would be my first homemade turkey dinner.
I made lists.
I made trips to the grocery store.
I made turkey brine and soaked that sucker for 16 hours.
I had yams
and acorn squash
and mashed potatoes
and apple pie
and asparagus
and cranberries
and stuffing.
The day began without a hitch.
Laundry turning.
Cleaning done.
Chad had to work but got home early.
At twelve I drained the turkey from the brine
and began to stuff it with lovely, organic, store-bought stuffing.
As I stuffed I could smell the herbs
and spices all mixed together.
Rosemary.
Thyme.
Dried whole grain bread.
Apples.
Apples?
Hold on.
Is that a dried apple?
I stopped. I thought for a moment.
Hmm. There was no dried apple listed in the ingredients.
I knew this because I am nearly psychotic about reading food labels.
You know, because of the allergies.
Allergies to dairy, egg, nuts, fish and shellfish.
I checked the label.
No apples listed as ingredients.
And yet, there was the apple in my hand.
There were many, many dried apples.
All there.
All looking up at me.
It could only mean two things.
1) They forgot to add "apples" to the list.
OR
2) This was the wrong list of ingredients. The package was mislabeled.
I decided to search the store website for ingredients to their "Dry Holiday Stuffing."
After a good ten minutes.
I found it.
There it was.
"Holiday Stuffing: Rosemary, Thyme, Sage, Apple & Walnuts."
Walnuts.
you little devils.
I walked back downstairs and surveyed my beautifully stuffed turkey.
I'd stuffed him good.
I dug through the leftover stuffing.
I spread it out on the cutting board.
There he was.
The criminal.
The walnut, finely chopped and barely discernible.
One taste confirmed it.
I sized up the situation.
There was no way to remove the stuffing and be sure all the nuts were gone.
There in front of me was the lovely 1o lb organic turkey my children would not be eating for Thanksgiving.
and not the gravy that comes from the turkey.
and why would we have mashed potatoes without gravy?
Chad tried to console me with, "It's not the end of the world."
Wrong words Chad.
"Just make the other stuff."
Wrong again Chad.
Then, Chad being a smart man and realizing I was in a "throw the turkey across the room state of mind", patiently stood by me as I began to cry.
They were big tears.
Walnut sized.
They were accompanied by sobs.
And though the turkey didn't need any more brine...it got some.
And a couple of small, minor punches to the right wing.
I cried because of the stupid turkey dinner.
I cried because of the stupid food allergies.
I cried because hundred of miles away my mom and dad and sister and brother and Kari were cutting apples for a pie.
I cried because of French Toast,
quiche,
egg rolls,
the pizza at all the birthday parties they can't eat,
pot luck dinners at the church,
mom's Beef Stroganoff,
Texas Toast,
and Blue Bell Ice Cream.
After much time.
Much time of wailing, gnashing teeth, and tearing of tunics...
I made an executive decision.
We did what any sensible person would do.
We cut large slices of apple pie right then and there.
We topped them with soy ice cream.
And we spent the next hour playing cards and watching the John and Kate Plus 8 marathon.
We ate Cream of Wheat for dinner.
This is shock and awe at it's best people.
Thanksgiving has been rescheduled for Sunday.
And that's when you can check back to find out what I am thankful for.
(and for a kick-ass homemade stuffing recipe.)
