As many of you know, February marks year #2 with our struggle against eczema and food allergies. I recall hearing the doctor say, "Well, she's got eczema." and though I was relieved to know what this skin mess was...I also knew eczema was not a 24 hour flu. And so I was right. Julianna's eczema continued to get worse as the days and weeks passed in '05. It hit a peak and plateaued about May and since then has wavered in severity and location. May was also the time we started trying solid foods out. Though Julianna was able to enjoy many new foods, all things dairy, bananas, green beans, and barley were not among them. As advised by her allergist we continue to avoid the above mentioned, and anything containing: eggs, peanuts, fish, shellfish, and strawberries. I'm not going to lie. I hate all of this. I really hate it. And some days it upsets me to the very core. Cooking is rough and proved a challenge. But, we have settled into a good, balanced diet and most likely eat more healthfully than 99% of the population. If the truth be known, though, I would take food allergies any day of the week over this skin eczema. Alas, we don't have a choice. We have both.
We've tried many different lotions, lotion combinations, skin medications, oral medications, organic, whole, concentrated, highly concentrated, two baths a day, no baths a day... Nothing really works. Or if it does seem to work, it doesn't last. We run the humidifier in the winter to keep precious moisture in the air. In the summer we keep it cooler, keep as much skin covered as is reasonable, and try not to let the temp fluctuate too much- as that causes more itchiness. I clean the Aquaphor (Vaseline) ring out of the washing machine every couple weeks, spot clean the dried blood from her sheets and clothes, and just pray everyday that someday (someday soon) she won't have to struggle with this.
Some days are easy. But some days are really hard.
As Julianna has gotten older her ability to scratch has gotten much better. So, we've tried to teach her to "tickle" her itches. I know sometimes she must think that it's a cruel joke. I've exhausted the word "tickle." It's lost meaning because I have used it so much. Yet, to Julianna's credit she tries. She tries so very hard to listen and do what we say. It's just that sometimes the need to scratch is beyond her. Those are the times she continually removes her shoes and socks, rubs her feet on the carpet to scratch them, and runs her hands back and forth across her teeth for some method of relief. Sometimes, I just let her. It just about kills me. But sometimes you've done all you can and there is no more you can do.
The desire to itch can really only be compared to poison ivy. Poison ivy on your hands, elbows, neck, back, trunk, knees, calves, and feet. There really isn't a place on her body that doesn't get irritated at some point. This makes testing for allergens nearly impossible. Skin testing is very unreliable when you can't decipher where the eczema irritation ends and the allergen prick begins. On the flip-side, the eczema makes blood testing for skin/food allergies unreliable as it greatly elevates the IGe score. (But that's another story.)
Eczema isn't cancer, I realize. And though I refer to it as modern day leprosy on a regular basis, it really isn't that either. What it is, however, is a daily struggle that requires continual day-in and day-out maintenance. And struggle makes you do some soul searching. In all of this I have to believe that there is a lesson. There is something I am supposed to be taking from this. Self sacrifice? Monetary sacrifice? Patience? Vanity? Vanity. All of them make sense but vanity makes the most. Don't we all want our children to be well received? "Oh, what a cute baby!" It kind of makes you proud (for some reason, not like you have any control over what your child looks like). Your child is an extension of you in some ways though. Don't we think similarly about our cars, homes, clothes, etc...? It makes me think about the times Jules' eczema was really bad with large patches on her face and how when I would take her shopping the store clerks wouldn't say a word to us. Yet, they would speak to the mother and child right next to us and compliment them on "what a beautiful baby." That bothered me. It made me wonder if people would count her out before they even met her, before they even talked to her. What would that mean in the future? Would she get less reinforcement simply because she had a skin disorder? That's ridiculous. Children would ask me what was wrong with her face or her hands or her feet. One time a mother, who had been watching us across the restaurant came up to let me know my child's hands looked "angry" and that Jules was scratching them a lot (just in case I didn't know). Boy, I went through a gamut of emotions on that one. In case your wondering, I did politely say, "Thank you. Yes, I know. She's got eczema." At which time she said, "You know something that might help...have you changed your laundry detergent?" Again, emotions are all over the place. "Yes. We have. We have tried just about everything we know. But, thanks." I also wanted to add (with a roar)...Yeah, two years ago we tried that! But thanks for the advice! Do I look like an idiot!?" Really, she meant only to help. I could tell. And, I wasn't mad at her. I was just mad at the situation. And I was sad.
Vanity? How could it be vanity? Me? I put my hair up in a pony-tail every day. I hardly wear make-up. I shop at TJ Max. I don't even like buying brand named clothes. Heck, I don't even use hair spray! : ) But, that's not really what vanity is. Is it. Vanity is the love of self, the focus on self. Self coming first. Self-centered. Self-focused. I've discovered you can live simply and still be vain. I don't think a lot of people get that. I don't know that I did either. In fact, I am still trying to figure it out.
I have a call into Carley, though. I'll let you know what she says. (ha, ha)
It needs to be said that I am very, very thankful for all of my blessings. A high school friend once gave me a book called "14,000 Things to be Happy About." Truly there are too many to count. And, if I were to add them all up, there would be no comparison that the good so far out number the bad. But I wanted you to know about this struggle I have. Tonight I wanted you to hear me and help me carry this burden because I was just a bit weary and I needed some help.
